


Darkness and silence

by LeaniSilver



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alone, Angst, Darkness, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-06
Updated: 2012-10-06
Packaged: 2017-11-15 18:56:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/530574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeaniSilver/pseuds/LeaniSilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She looks down on her trembling hands that are fisted so hard the knuckles are white and she wonder if it is worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness and silence

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Own Merlin I do not, or whatever yoda would say...
> 
> Short thing that happened after the premiere and Morgana feels.

It happens at night, when the darkness and silence grows until it is almost suffocating and she suddenly realizes how alone she is. She wasn’t always, there used to be people, people who cared, people to talk to, people to catch her would she fall, there’s no one there now, and she is dangerously close to crashing.

She had a father once, he died and left her utterly alone, but there were people there to fill the space. There was Uther, he had lover her and she had though there was some good in him, but in the end he had been rotten, beyond all forgiveness and redemption.

There was Merlin, the kind boy who was the only one she had trusted with her secret, he had betrayed her in the worst way imaginable.

Then there were the ones she was forced to give up, Arthur and Gwen. Her brother and her best friend, brave kind and honest, both of them. But if they weren’t with her they were against her, they were a sacrifice she had to make, it pained her, but it was okay, because her sister was there to take their place.

Mogouse, beautiful, strong Morgouse who always knew what to do, always knew what was right, who accepted her like she was and taught her to accept it as well. She died, just like the father she once had, leaving her alone again, but this time there was no one, and there would never be anyone again.

She doesn’t think about it during the day, in the days she can let the fire consume her, the fall of Camelot, the return of magic, but at night it’s harder and she lets the mind wander. There will never be anyone, no one to talk about her most inner thoughts, no one to hold her, nu one to hug when she gets home, not even a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She will be queen one day, and she will bring peace, and maybe they will love her, but she will never be able to trust anyone of them, being the leader puts you apart from everyone else, you have to wear a mask of strength and never show doubt or weakness. For her there will be no one to look behind the mask, no one to turn to, ever.

When she thinks about it it’s overwhelming, and the weight of it is crushing her. She wants to scream and bang her fists against the wall, she wants to cry but the tears won’t com. She’s lying there, shacking while the walls and the silence are closing in on her until she’s gasping for breath.

She looks down on her trembling hands that are fisted so hard the knuckles are white and she wonder if it is worth it. In the morning she will dismiss it, of course it is, she will forget it and move on, filled with fire and determination, but sometimes during these nights, just sometimes in the cover of darkness and silence her walls will crumble and she will allow herself to doubt. She will stare into the dark and feel completely hopelessly alone.


End file.
